What is the Continuing Bonds Model?

The Continuing Bonds Model is a recognised approach in grief theory that focuses on how people maintain their relationships with those who have died. It suggests that it is natural and healthy for bereaved individuals to continue feeling connected to the person who has passed away, rather than trying to “let go” completely. This model challenges the older idea that moving forward after a death means severing emotional ties with the deceased. Instead, it acknowledges that the relationship changes but does not end.

Rather than aiming to replace or forget the person, the Continuing Bonds Model encourages finding ways to keep that person’s presence in life through memory, stories, traditions, and ongoing influence. This approach reflects how human relationships often remain emotionally active long after physical separation.

How the Model Developed

The Continuing Bonds Model was introduced in the 1990s by scholars Dennis Klass, Phyllis R. Silverman, and Steven L. Nickman. Their work grew from their observations that many bereaved people felt comfort and strength from maintaining a connection to their loved one long after death.

Earlier models of grief, such as the stage theory proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, often emphasised the need for “acceptance” as a final outcome. While acceptance remains an important part of grieving, the Continuing Bonds Model widened the view by showing that adapting after loss does not necessarily mean leaving the relationship behind.

They found evidence that people naturally carry the presence of the deceased in their lives. This could be through thoughts, conversations, anniversaries, or shared values. Rather than hindering recovery, these connections often support emotional healing.

Core Principles of the Continuing Bonds Model

The Continuing Bonds Model includes several guiding principles:

• Relationships can continue after death in a different form – They shift from being physical and present to being remembered and internal.
• Ongoing connection can bring comfort – Memories, shared experiences, and traditions become a source of emotional support.
• Grieving is personal – People express ongoing bonds in diverse ways depending on culture, faith, personality, and family traditions.
• The connection can evolve over time – It may be intense in the early stages of grief and become more subtle but still meaningful as time passes.

How Continuing Bonds Can Be Expressed

Continuing bonds can be expressed in many ways. They are often personal and unique to each individual, but some common examples include:

• Talking to the deceased in private moments or at a memorial site
• Keeping items that belonged to the person, such as jewellery or photographs
• Participating in activities they enjoyed as a way of honouring them
• Naming a child after the person
• Creating a ritual each year on the anniversary of their death
• Continuing a cause or charity work they supported

These expressions of continued connection can help bereaved individuals feel that their loved one’s influence remains part of daily life.

Why the Model Can Be Supportive

The Continuing Bonds Model can reduce loneliness in grief by allowing the bereaved person to feel ongoing closeness. It acknowledges the deep attachment people have and does not pressure them to “let go” within a certain timeframe. This is particularly supportive for those who struggle when society expects them to move on before they feel ready.

For many, it prevents feelings of guilt. They do not have to feel that keeping a loved one in their thoughts means they are failing to progress. The model reframes grief as something that can coexist with living a full life.

Cultural and Religious Influences

Different cultures and faith traditions have long recognised continuing bonds through practices such as ancestor veneration, annual memorial days, lighting candles, and speaking to deceased relatives in prayer. The Continuing Bonds Model aligns with many of these traditions, providing a framework for why such activities remain comforting and socially accepted.

In some communities, it is customary to speak of ancestors as guiding the living. In others, it may be more private, with individuals quietly keeping mementos and thinking about the person. The model fits both public and private forms of remembrance.

How It Differs from Other Grief Models

Earlier grief models often emphasised “closure” and removing emotional dependence on the deceased. These approaches were thought to help people move on with their lives. The Continuing Bonds Model works differently by assuming that emotional attachment can continue and still allow the person to adapt and live well.

This difference shifts the focus from ending the relationship to reshaping it. Grief is seen as an ongoing process rather than something with a fixed endpoint.

Continuing Bonds in Health and Social Care Practice

In health and social care, recognising continuing bonds can influence support strategies for bereaved individuals. Workers in these fields might help clients find personal ways to sustain their emotional connection to the person who died. This approach can be used in counselling, social support groups, and palliative care follow-up.

Staff may encourage talking about the deceased, sharing memories, or engaging in rituals. They might also validate feelings that remain years after bereavement, affirming that retaining a sense of the relationship is normal.

When supporting families, professionals can identify signs that continuing bonds are helping or, in some cases, causing distress. For example, connections that bring comfort tend to be adaptive, whereas those that involve denial of death might prevent healthy adjustment. Sensitive support can help shift unhealthy bonds into more balanced forms.

Examples in Practice

• A bereaved parent might regularly bake a cake the way their child enjoyed, sharing it with friends and telling stories about them.
• An elderly man might keep his late wife’s favourite blanket and place it on a chair she used to sit in.
• A charity event might be organised every year in honour of a person’s achievements, inviting friends and family to celebrate their life.
• A family might plant a tree in memory of someone and gather there for special occasions.

These acts allow relationships to remain meaningful without holding back the person’s growth or new connections.

Psychological Benefits

The Continuing Bonds Model can promote emotional resilience. When people feel that their relationship carries on in a mental or symbolic form, they often experience:

• Reduced feelings of abandonment
• Greater emotional stability during anniversaries
• A sense of purpose through honouring the person’s values or goals
• Comfort from imagining the person’s reactions or advice during challenges

Such benefits can aid long-term adjustment and make grieving less isolating.

Potential Challenges

While the model is widely supported, it can present challenges if the continued bond prevents a person from living fully. For instance, someone might cling so strongly to the deceased’s possessions and refuse to accept any changes in life that they feel trapped in the past. This is known as maladaptive grief.

In these situations, counselling or support groups can help the bereaved person steer their continuing bond into a healthier form, allowing it to remain a source of comfort without stopping life from moving forward.

Role in Children’s Grief

Children are often natural participants in continuing bonds. They may speak to a deceased parent, draw pictures for them, or include them in games and conversations. Adults supporting bereaved children can encourage these activities as they help the child feel supported and less alone.

The model can be especially valuable for children, since young people may struggle to understand the finality of death. Ongoing bonds can give them a safe way to keep the person’s memory alive while gradually learning to live without their physical presence.

Continuing Bonds in the UK

In the UK, the Continuing Bonds Model fits well with social care services that value person-centred support. Hospices, bereavement charities, and mental health services often incorporate this understanding into their work. Organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Support recognise that ongoing connection can be part of healthy grieving, and they provide spaces for reflection and remembrance.

For some, public memorial events such as the National Day of Reflection give a structured opportunity to maintain bonds with those who have died, particularly during times of collective grief.

Final Thoughts

The Continuing Bonds Model offers a compassionate view of grief that accepts deep emotional connection as natural and ongoing. It replaces the older idea of “letting go” entirely with the understanding that love and attachment can persist in a healthy way, providing comfort, identity, and emotional strength.

Grieving does not have a strict end point. The Continuing Bonds Model reminds us that relationships can evolve beyond death, supporting the living without holding them back. For many people in the UK and beyond, this approach brings reassurance that keeping someone’s memory alive is an act of respect and love. It allows the bereaved to carry forward their relationship, adapt it to new life circumstances, and find meaning in both remembrance and day-to-day living.